Please, No More Tiger Tales!
Last weekend I spent more time watching the Masters golf tournament on television than I like to admit. I guess I find it strangely comforting to see tanned, handsome, self-assured millionaire touring golf professionals occasionally shank a five iron into a sand trap.
To me the highlight of the weekend was Fred Couples making a serious run for the Green Jacket. I loved this because:
a). He is fifty years old and has more gray hair than I do;
b). His name is "Fred;"
c). In an elite sport where everything a player uses, wears, eats, drinks, or thinks about is computer engineered for maximum performance and endorsement value, this guy was playing the most prestigious tournament in professional golf wearing slip-on boat shoes with no socks.
c). In an elite sport where everything a player uses, wears, eats, drinks, or thinks about is computer engineered for maximum performance and endorsement value, this guy was playing the most prestigious tournament in professional golf wearing slip-on boat shoes with no socks.
Also, I found it mildly interesting to see Tiger Woods making his comeback after five months away from competitive golf.
Now, I shouldn't have to recap the shenanigans that have kept Tiger's putter on ice for all that time. Since his wife capped off last year's Thanksgiving weekend by chipping Tiger out of his Escalade with a sand wedge, we have enjoyed non-stop media coverage.
We have seen hospital reports, police reports, some really world-class Mea Culpa press conferences, and more salacious photographs of waitresses with surgically enhanced body parts than you'll find in an issue of Truck Stop Hooters magazine.
We were even subjected to the most bizarre television moment I have ever witnessed, a Nike ad in which a sober-faced Tiger stares at the camera for thirty seconds while the recorded voice of his deceased father, Earl Woods, chews him out; "... I want to know what your thinking was..."
So here's the deal; I watched Tiger at the Masters because I wanted to see how his short game held up to the layoff. I do not care what his thinking was.
In fact, I just plain don't want to know who Tiger has been sleeping with. Whether he hits the sack with a skanky porn star or the Swedish supermodel (with sand wedge) he has at home on eight-figure retainer, it makes exactly zero difference in my life.
I REALLY DON'T CARE!
I do kind of feel sorry for his children, as much as you can feel sorry for somebody who stands to someday inherit part of a nearly billion-dollar estate. But they are not the first kids who ever had to cope with the idea that their dad can be a total moron when it comes to big hair and cleavage. Odds are, they'll be all right.
And don't bother to write and tell me that Tiger has failed to live up to his solemn obligation as a role model for the Youth of America. If your kid is a golfer, then he or she should admire Tiger's golf swing and focus under pressure. In those areas he is one of the best who ever strolled down a fairway at Augusta.
But frankly, if your child is getting their moral guidance from a guy who makes his living hitting a ball with a stick, I have to say right at the get-go that you are pretty much falling short in your job as a parent.
This goes for any sports hero. I think we can all admire and emulate how they throw a football, shoot a puck, hit three-pointers, or crank baseballs into the left field upper deck (unless they have been cheating to do it - I'm talking to you, Mark McGwire).
But if our heroes break laws, it's an issue between them and the law. And if they mess things up with their families, as far as I'm concerned that is an issue between them and their families.
Tiger Woods has always seemed like a generally decent sort of guy, soft-spoken and polite. Maybe this is why we were all so surprised to find out just how much of a world-class moron he was when it came to big hair and cleavage.
But you know what? I'm over that now. Oh sure, I hope Tiger can get things all regrouped in his personal life and the Woods family can live happily ever after. If not, oh well.
And if Tiger or Elin or the kids ever need any help or advice from me, they can feel free to call and I'll be happy to give it to them. Otherwise, I really don't want to hear any more about it.
Copyright © 2010, Michael Ball
Mike Ball is the Erma Bombeck Award-winning author of "What I've Learned So Far..." and the book What I've Learned So Far... Part I: Bikes, Docks & Slush Nuggets.
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Athletes as role models
Mike, for the most part I agree with you about Tiger Woods. I also agree with your comment about a parent being the moral guide for the child, not an athlete.
The problem as I see it is an athlete's sense of entitlement. My sons saw this first hand from pee wee league forward. Society tends to turn a blind eye to the misbehavior of athletes. It is hard to teach your child moral behavior when as an athletic star one can get away with immoral or illegal behavior. Teaching your child to admire the athlete and not the person is a difficult lesson. Personally, I am sick and tired of so many teachable moments when it comes to the moral misbehavior of athletes.